


Like the Pizza Man

by AwkwardTurtle626



Category: Supernatural
Genre: But honestly I could see this happening, Can be considered a crack fic, Comedy, Forced Kissing, Oneshot, Quote: I learned that from the pizza man, castiel - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-23
Updated: 2019-01-23
Packaged: 2019-10-14 21:13:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,344
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17515976
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AwkwardTurtle626/pseuds/AwkwardTurtle626
Summary: All was fine and good when Sam and Dean ordered a pizza, that is, until Cas came by...Just a fun, short oneshot. I think we all know what quote was behind the inspiration for this fic.





	Like the Pizza Man

In a janky motel somewhere in the Pacific Midwest, two brothers sat lost in various research materials attempting to learn more about the frustrating creature they were currently hunting. In an instant, however, the brothers had company, as a certain angel had a habit of disappearing and reappearing to places whenever he pleased.

“Have you found the creature?” Cas asked. The boys jumped out of their skin.

“Holy--Dammit Cas! Stop doing that!” Dean yelled, gripping his knife. “You’re gonna give me a heart attack one day! Geez!”

Cas looked at him, worried. “My apologies. I did not mean to interfere with your health. Would you like me to listen to your chest to make sure your heart has not sustained permanent damage? Or would you like me to retrieve you a heart healthy snack from the nearby convenience store?” Cas asked, clearly concerned.

“Err, no, it’s fine…pizza’s on the way anyway…” Dean often forgot how literally Cas took everything.

“Did you figure something out, Cas?” Sam asked grinning, though his focus was back on his laptop.

“Nothing. No one seems to find anything strange about every doctor in town suddenly disappearing. The townspeople may be involved somehow,” Cas responded.

Dean stretched his arms and groaned, rolling off the bed. “Well either way, so far we’ve got a grand total of diddly squat, so I’m gonna take a potty break.”

Sam scoffed at him. “Did you seriously just say ‘potty break’? What are you, four?”

Dean crossed the room, passing Cas, who was still awkwardly standing in the middle of the room. “You’re just jealous because I can say stuff like that and still kick your ass.” He winked at his little brother.

Sam shook his head as he heard the bathroom door click shut. Almost immediately there was a gentle knock on the door and a small voice saying, “Pizza!” Sam peeked behind the curtain to see a young delivery girl holding an insulated pizza warmer. He put holy water in his back pocket as a precaution and got up to answer the door.

Only…Cas got there first.

“Hi!” the girl said enthusiastically when Cas opened the door. Despite the fact that she couldn’t have been older than 18, Sam knew better than to lower his guard and watched her closely. She stepped into the room, “How are you this evening?” she asked Cas in a sweet, excited voice.

“Fine, thank you.” Cas said flatly. Sam almost laughed. But the girl didn’t miss a beat.

“That’s good!” She said, pulling out the receipt and reading it. “Okay, I have one large ‘Veggie Lover’s’ pizza, one large ‘Everything’, and a side of mozzarella sticks for a…Mr. Gonzalez. Is that you?”

“Yes.” Cas replied simply. This time Sam actually did laugh, and pulled out his wallet to pay the bill. She smiled and started removing things from the warmer, handing them to Cas one by one. He accepted them clumsily. Once he had everything, she put the warmer under her arm and handed him the receipt. “Alright! That’ll be $22.9---umph????“

Sam looked up from his wallet to find Cas leaned forward and Frenching the delivery girl.

“MRH??? URHGH??” the girl struggled to process what had happened and stared up at him with wide eyes. She tried to push and kick Cas away but with his hand behind her head and his angel strength, she was no match for him.

“Cas! What are you doing? Let her go!” Sam yelled. It was then that the toilet flushed and the bathroom door burst open as Dean rushed out.

“What happened? What’s going on?”

Cas released her and she lost her balance, gasping and stumbling to the ground. Shaking and confused, she looked up at him.

“Was that satisfactory?” He asked. “I know you’re used to working with the pizza man so I tried to make it of a similar quality.”

“W-what?” She stammered.

He loosened his tie and began undoing his belt buckle. “Shall we continue? I’m not as experienced as the pizza man but I am a very fast learner.”

She screamed at the top of her lungs and scooted away from him until she hit the nearby wall. Dean got a hold of Cas and pulled him as far back as he could, while Sam crouched down toward the girl in an attempt to calm her down.

“I am so sorry!” Sam tried to say over her voice. ”It’s okay, it’s okay, you’re gonna be okay.” She was no longer screaming but the crying never stopped. “Just breathe. Breathe. There you go.” She listened to the sound of his soothing voice and tried to breathe with him, only finding herself whimpering erratically. He gave her his goofiest smile and spoke to her quietly. She watched his every move.

“Really, I am honestly sorry. He’s not usually like this. He has trouble working with people. I can walk you to your car. Let me pay you for the--” She screamed again as he moved closer to hand her the bills in his hand. She beat him with the pizza warmer until he backed off and she had enough room to stand.

She eyed everyone in the room as she walked backwards towards the door and threatened them with the pizza warmer. Sam stood slowly with his arms up as if she had a knife and backed away towards Dean who held Cas in a full Nelson to show her he wasn’t going anywhere. Wide eyed and panicked, she looked at Cas’ bewildered expression as he reached out and tried to step forward, but it was too late. She was already screaming again and sprinting to her car. They heard the engine start and her car screech across the parking lot. Sam could have sworn he’d never seen someone book it so fast.

Dean released Cas and when he turned around to say something, Dean punched him in the face as hard as he could. Of course, this only hurt Dean and he let out a slew of curse words as he shook his likely broken hand.

“I don’t understand” Cas said simply. “How did I frighten her?”

Dean glared hard at him. “Gee, I don’t know. Maybe shoving your tongue down her throat freaked her out a bit. Or who knows? Maybe it was when you tried to _pay her in sex for a pizza.”_

Sam chimed in after locking the door. “Cas, you can’t just grab people like that. Especially women. You probably traumatized the poor girl.”

Cas still didn’t seem to understand. “But she works with the pizza man, wouldn’t she expect that kind of--“

“She doesn’t—“Dean yelled but forced himself to lower his voice “She doesn’t work for the”pizza man,” okay? The “pizza man” doesn’t exist. That was a porno, that wasn’t real life. That was staged. You can’t just—“ He laughed and shook his head. “You can’t just order a pizza and expect to pay for the pizza with sex, okay? That’s not how it works!”

Dean got ice for his hand and wrapped it in a towel before dropping onto the bed.

Sam put his money back in his wallet and checked the pizza boxes off of the floor where they had fallen in the chaos. “Look, next time you want to kiss someone, just make sure they actually want you to first. Please? Or ask us if you’re not sure.”

Cas stared at them pensively before he finally nodded, “I understand.” The boys visibly sighed in relief.

“Well, in the meantime,” Dean leaned forward and got a slice from the box in front of him, “free pizza!” He took a bite and practically moaned into it, “Oh, yeah.”

Sam laughed and got his slice from the other box. They sat eating their pizza for a moment in peace and quiet. Cas sat on the bed and offered to heal Dean’s hand. All was calm until Dean remembered something. He groaned.

“So, how long do you think we have until she calls the cops?”

**Author's Note:**

> What'd you guys think? I think Dean about had a heart attack in that bathroom. And he didn't even wash his hands! Ewww
> 
> I tried to keep them in character as best as I could. My friend thinks Dean would never say "potty break" but I obviously disagree, and it was a big part in how I came up with this fic. But I'd love to hear what you all have to say! This is actually my first fic so I hope I did alright, and I hope it didn't feel like it was my first.
> 
> Leave me a comment if you can! 
> 
> And thanks for reading!!!!


End file.
